As we all know, it is that spooky time of year again! We will be having our annual Halloween bash at TWA where the alumni department gets dressed up in our favorite costumes!
Halloween was always difficult for me growing up because I always felt like it was a competition. I never felt my costume was scary or creative enough. I always felt like my friends were much “better” at Halloween than I was.
After getting sober and doing a proper fourth and fifth step, I recognized these feelings to be a pattern. Just like my Halloween costume, I always felt like my appearance wasn’t good enough and that everything came much easier to everyone else. I struggled for a very long time with low self-esteem issues and though when I used alcohol and drugs I felt better or “numb” for a short period of time, I always ended up feeling even worse than before.
It was a very dark time for me when I initially got sober. I had beat myself up so badly and though I finally put the drink and the drug down I had not yet done any internal work. I hated myself and I couldn’t even bare to look in the mirror.
Luckily I got a strong sponsor and I did the twelve steps within my first 6 months sober but after that I had stopped working on myself. I tried everything to make myself feel better and boost my self-esteem up throughout the first two years of my sobriety. I tried relationships and those temporarily made me feel better but eventually made me feel worse. I tried working out excessively at a gym and that just exhausted me. I tried spending money on new clothes and that just led me to going broke.
The point is, I tried all of these other solutions, they all failed me and I continued to ignore what I was originally taught.
I have to remember that I am an alcoholic and a drug addict who suffers from a spiritual malady and mental obsession. I will obsess and abuse ANYTHING that makes me feel good even if I am completely conscious that the euphoria will only be temporary.
Recovery has been a long, ongoing lesson of me trying to accept myself for who I am. I have to remember that my Halloween costume is exactly the way my higher power intended for it to be.
Today, I must remember that nothing, absolutely nothing happens in my God’s world by mistake. I need to go back to the third step each day and remember who needs to be running the show.
Have a Happy Halloween!